10 Random Letters.

1. Dear Frank Miller,

I really liked 300. Yes, it's a visual hymn to violence, aggression, facism, and a score of other -isms, but damn that movie was awesome. This is a movie that made my balls bigger as I watched it. Women who were in the theater with me were surprised to find out they'd grown their own pairs of balls when they left. It was more visually pleasing than that time Mary Jane Chubbycheeks let me look under her skirt in the 7th grade. It's a movie that will change a person's life.

Especially if he goes out drinking afterwards.
Especially if he goes out drinking afterwards in a crowded bar.
Especially if he goes out drinking afterwards in a crowded bar where some asshole should have watched where he was going or at least said "excuse me" when he bumped into you, saving you the trouble having to go all Spartan on his ass by stripping down to your underwear, coating yourself with baby oil, and then smashing his head into the pavement before taking the spear out of the back of your car and driving it into his chest.

Just saying...You might owe me some bail money.


2. Dear Nancy Pelosi,

Okay, so you want to piss off the president by visiting the leader of a country that openly supports terrorists. I get that . Pissing off the president is fun.

Why are you wearing the headscarf? You're a government official in a country that (at least on paper) believes in equality for everyone, yet you put on a symbol of female submission under the guise of "respecting local customs". Way to go lady.

Did you get a female circumcision while you were there?

3. Dear Richard Dawkins,

You sir, PWN.

Seriously dude, you PWN God.

I've been reading you for years. The Blind Watchmaker is probably responsible for moving me from the weak squishy agnosticism where I spent my immediate time after escaping fundementalism, into strong, proudly declared, atheism. As influential as that book was, The God Delusion is 100 times better. It's funny, poignant, and full of truth that millions of people will ignore. I've read it three times, and listened to the audio book more than I can count.

PWND.

4. Dear South Park,

The Easter 2007 episode of your show is now a classic that will have to be played in my home every dead Jesus day. It was awesome.

Will you guys marry me?

5. Dear M.C. Chris,

Your latest album is the bomb. However, nothing compares to this.

6. Dear guy in coffee shop,

No, I don't respect your religion. I do not believe I am required to. Your religion is not sacred to me and I'll probably write offensive (though funny to me) stuff about it very often. However, I respect your right to believe in and practice your religion. If you don't see that as an important distinction, I don't know what to say.

Also, regardless of what the folks at the Kingdom Hall told you, people do not deny the existence of God just so they can get away with drinking, partying, or screwing around as much as they want.

7. Dear Barnes & Noble,

If you're going to have a display of books about religion and faith you should include religions other than Christianity. If you do this, I will stop putting Dawkins and Sam Harris on the same table as the Bibles.

8. Dear Joss Whedon,

I just read the first 2 issues of Buffy Season 8.

Yes.

Yes.

I need a moment.

Yes.

Thank you.

9. Dear folks at office,

Please stop telling the Jewish woman next to me to "have a nice Easter."

10. Dear Bacon and Money (or is it still PBRStreetGang?),

There is no way in hell you are getting your Runaways back. I now must steal these, memorize them, and burn them so no one else can experience their greatness.