Jingoism

So I've gotten the same stupid email/MySpace bulletin from four different people in the last month. Maybe you'll recognize it...

A lady wrote the best letter to the Editor in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family. My husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest (except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know. And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker.

Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me. Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!

Only in America....

Now, let's set aside the issue of if this was an actual letter in an actual paper. Instead, let's address the fact that anyone finds this trite piece of bumpersticker pasting as a summary of one of the more complex social issues of our day. I guess I can understand how some boneheaded xenophobe who's itching for an acceptable way to vent their inner racist would latch on to this crap as vindication for their two cent politics, but I've received this email from otherwise rational seeming people. I completely respect that people may have differeing views on the immigration situation in this country, but to view the above as anything other than a cruel display of the failure of our public schools system is ridiculous.

But anyway, let's take this letter. It compares illegal immigrants to burglars who've broken into your house and demand that you let them stay because they've made the bed or done the dishes. In order for this analogy to hold though, some changes need to be made.

First of all, let's assume that you have a greedy retarded older brother who lives with you. One day, while you're hanging out at the Sean Hannity Rally for People Who Are Complete Assholes your retarded older brother (call him "Larry") picks up a homeless person from the bus stop. Knowing your feelings about strangers (well, you know...not white people, but other strangers) being in your home, Larry tells this person (Felix) he can stay with you, but he has to hide whenever you're around - because you'll attach jumper cables to Felix's testicles if you find him. Felix, not really certain how he feels about jumper cables, figures this arrangement is better than being homeless.

Felix moves in and Larry tells him there's another catch. Felix will have to clean the house, make the beds, reshingle the roof, cook, fish that tampon of the septic tank, and a whole list of other jobs Larry doesn't want to pay someone else to do. If Felix does this and keeps his mouth shut, he can stay. Otherwise it's back to the dumpster diner for him.

Now you come home. You change out of your Sean Hannity is My Gay Lover t-shirt and don't think twice about how the shirt is cleaned and hanging in your closet before you know it. You sit down and comment to Larry about how great the house looks and how good the food is. Larry mentions the tampon and you tell him it must have belonged to that chick you brought home from the Michael Savage "My Penis Burns With Pain" Rally. All the while, Felix moves around in the background cleaning and cooking and gently rubbing your shoulders while you sleep.

This goes on for years.

One day it happens though. You see Felix as you're getting dressed. You can't believe there's one of those people in your home. You grab your shotgun and put on your "I Had Sex With Bill O'Reilly and Now I'm Blind" bath robe and chase Felix into the basement where you hold him at gunpoint.

You give him some bullshit speech about how this is your home and he doesn't belong, the whole time distracted by how clean and soft that bathrobe is. Felix tries to explain that he's here because of Larry, but you can't understand his accent. You shoot Felix in the face, bury him in the basement and go back to your life.

A few days later, the laundry is piling up and the house could be cleaner, but you've got your principles. You head out to the Glenn Beck "I Have Magic Underwear" symposium. Larry goes looking for a new homeless person.

Now the analogy is a little closer. It's still a caricature, but they started it. I'll save rational analysis for another time.