Movies Lie

I've been pretty busy lately, what with the rush to prepare Zombie Squad for greatness and the resumption of classes this week (even though they actually started last week), so I haven't had a lot of time to write up something brilliant. However, as I sat and do homework/write disaster preparedness seminars, HBO played a stream of bad movies into my living room as part of my "I need background noise" illness. As this stream of crap flew by, I couldn't help but notice the false expectations Hollywood has given us, and the amount of lies a typical movie tells.

After seeing three versions of a particular story, I feel that it's my job to point out one basic truth of life that Hollywood seems to have missed.

The Flakey-Hippy-Chick Never Saves The Type-A-Personality-Corporate-Tie-Monkey

Yes. You love breakfast at Tiffany's. I don't blame you, it's a great movie. You also love every romantic comedy where the free spirited hippy chick comes into the life of the tight-assed stock broker/lawyer/student/scientist/nerd and turns his life upside down. In doing show, she shows him that life is more than what he's used to and he changes his boring tight-assed ways. I mean, who doesn't love Dharma and Greg.

This does not happen. Ever. In real life, the tight-assed corporate tie monkey originally finds the sexually free hippy chick intriguing and a breath of fresh air. Then he discovers that sex with her is amazing. So he's happy for awhile. But, the first time she bounces one of his checks, forgets to set the alarm system on his condo, or some other lame-assed free spirited hippy chick thing - he's out the door faster than she can tell him that the rhythm method might not have actually worked for their birth control needs. The other scenario? He's such a tool and so repressed emotionally that he's nowhere near as good in the sack as she is. Eventually, her hands will get tired of making up for his shortcomings and she'll latch on to the guy bagging her groceries at Trader Joe's.

We all know that flakey-hippy-chick is better off with authoritative-father-figure-guy-seeking-open-relationship and that type-a-personality-corporate-tie-monkey is better of with submissive fifties housewife lady.

I now call a moratorium on this plot.