Screw You David Chase (Soprano Spoilers).

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Oh yeah...if you haven't watched the series finale of the Sopranos, you should close your browser. You should also probably lock yourself in a room, cut off your ears, and gouge out your eyeballs. 'Cuz, not for nothin', but that's the only way you're gonna avoid any spoilers come tomorrow morning.

So, yeah, there's your warning. I'm just sayin'.

A couple of hours ago, I hated the series finale of the Sopranos, but I've watched it two more times since then and I think it may be more brilliant than anyone will give David Chase credit for. So, "Screw you David Chase," for being so much smarter than me.

A lot of people will be pissed at the ending. They'll complain that nothing was resolved. There are tons of open plotlines. There were no real goodbye moments. There was no Sam and Diane meeting up in the last moments . There was no helicopter taking off from the encampment. Buffy and her gang didn't stare into a gaping hole and wonder "What Next?" There were no Air Force troops surrounding ALF telling him to surrender. A lot of people will be upset that it was just another show. I can sympathize.

But I liked it. Well, I liked the idea of it. The idea of ending with just an ordinary episode was great. While I personally think last week's episode would have been the perfect ending. This finale seemed like it was written to diliberately not give the fan service people were crying for. So, there were a lot of moments that seemed forced.

But damn, there were some great moments. Phil's death? Brilliant. A.J.'s car going up in flames? Hell yes. The cat? Awesome. "We're gonna win this thing!" This episode show was an exercise in building tension. And it did, all the way to the end, which had hypertensive viewers reaching for their baby apirin.

Journey on the jukebox. A poorly lit restaurant. Tony at a booth instead of a table (limiting any escape), slowly being joined by Carmella, then A.J. as patron after patron enters the diner. Each time the bell over the door rang I was sure that Tony was going to be popped. Tony, sitting with his family, surrounded by strangers was the perfect set up. Meadow, adding tension to scene, frustrated over her inability to parallel park. Steve Perry building to a crescendo. A cagey looking fellow walks towards Tony, and then right by him to the restroom. Two more wait by the jukebox, reaching into their jeans. Then, as Meadow runs in, a quick cut to black and then silence. Brilliant.

So what happened.

Put me in the Tony got killed camp. The Sopranos is a show that's to be looked at from Tony's perspective. We've looked through his eyes throughout the entire series. Scenes that take place outside of Tony's presence are about Tony. So when that scene cuts to black, that's Tony catching two in the back of the head.

My other reason? Tony's all about the music. Any time the shows final scene has music, it carries foward through the credits. Tony's our little music box and when the music stops, show's over kids.

Finally, and this one is a bigger stretch. When Mr. USA first walks into the restaurant, Tony reaches for a gun on his left side. When Mr. USA doesn't appear to be a threat, Tony relaxes. Tony does not reach for the gun at any other point before the end. I watched the ending in slow motion on the HBO2E replay (thank you DVR). If you pause right as you hear the bell over the door for the last time, Tony looks up. The expression on his face isn't a happy one ("Oh, look, my beautiful daughter.") it's one of concern ("Oh shit!"). Tony's left arm goes to his side as if he's reaching under his table for a gun. When he pulls his arm up, he pulls it as if he's actually drawing a pistol. The look on his face never changes to one of relief. Then you get the cut to black.

Fine, want a better reason? Tony is eating onion rings in the the final scene. Why? Why not french fries, or zuchinni sticks? Well, onion rings, have holes in them. Just like Tony will in just a few seconds.

Alright, so I don't know. My guess is, Chase filmed several endings and this scene is from the "Let's kill Tony" ending. They filmed it all the way through and cut it later. Maybe it'll be on the DVD.



I just really want Tony to die.

Nice ending.

Jingoism

So I've gotten the same stupid email/MySpace bulletin from four different people in the last month. Maybe you'll recognize it...

A lady wrote the best letter to the Editor in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family. My husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest (except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know. And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker.

Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me. Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!

Only in America....

Now, let's set aside the issue of if this was an actual letter in an actual paper. Instead, let's address the fact that anyone finds this trite piece of bumpersticker pasting as a summary of one of the more complex social issues of our day. I guess I can understand how some boneheaded xenophobe who's itching for an acceptable way to vent their inner racist would latch on to this crap as vindication for their two cent politics, but I've received this email from otherwise rational seeming people. I completely respect that people may have differeing views on the immigration situation in this country, but to view the above as anything other than a cruel display of the failure of our public schools system is ridiculous.

But anyway, let's take this letter. It compares illegal immigrants to burglars who've broken into your house and demand that you let them stay because they've made the bed or done the dishes. In order for this analogy to hold though, some changes need to be made.

First of all, let's assume that you have a greedy retarded older brother who lives with you. One day, while you're hanging out at the Sean Hannity Rally for People Who Are Complete Assholes your retarded older brother (call him "Larry") picks up a homeless person from the bus stop. Knowing your feelings about strangers (well, you know...not white people, but other strangers) being in your home, Larry tells this person (Felix) he can stay with you, but he has to hide whenever you're around - because you'll attach jumper cables to Felix's testicles if you find him. Felix, not really certain how he feels about jumper cables, figures this arrangement is better than being homeless.

Felix moves in and Larry tells him there's another catch. Felix will have to clean the house, make the beds, reshingle the roof, cook, fish that tampon of the septic tank, and a whole list of other jobs Larry doesn't want to pay someone else to do. If Felix does this and keeps his mouth shut, he can stay. Otherwise it's back to the dumpster diner for him.

Now you come home. You change out of your Sean Hannity is My Gay Lover t-shirt and don't think twice about how the shirt is cleaned and hanging in your closet before you know it. You sit down and comment to Larry about how great the house looks and how good the food is. Larry mentions the tampon and you tell him it must have belonged to that chick you brought home from the Michael Savage "My Penis Burns With Pain" Rally. All the while, Felix moves around in the background cleaning and cooking and gently rubbing your shoulders while you sleep.

This goes on for years.

One day it happens though. You see Felix as you're getting dressed. You can't believe there's one of those people in your home. You grab your shotgun and put on your "I Had Sex With Bill O'Reilly and Now I'm Blind" bath robe and chase Felix into the basement where you hold him at gunpoint.

You give him some bullshit speech about how this is your home and he doesn't belong, the whole time distracted by how clean and soft that bathrobe is. Felix tries to explain that he's here because of Larry, but you can't understand his accent. You shoot Felix in the face, bury him in the basement and go back to your life.

A few days later, the laundry is piling up and the house could be cleaner, but you've got your principles. You head out to the Glenn Beck "I Have Magic Underwear" symposium. Larry goes looking for a new homeless person.

Now the analogy is a little closer. It's still a caricature, but they started it. I'll save rational analysis for another time.

When I Awakened, I Was Mistaken...

So this morning I walked up to the Southtown shopping center at Kingshighway and Chippewa. I started at Office Depot and spent the day walking in and out of all of the shops there. I spent a few hours in the bookstore. Then I took a lot at what was offered in the florists shop. I dropped off my cleaning at the dry cleaners. I was going to go to Quizno's, but the Chinese food place caught my attention instead. After lunch, I stopped in at the small gym. Later, I bought some guitar strings from the music shop.

Oh wait, none of that happened because the shopping center is still a collection of ugly empty storefronts lacking any character whatsoever. Seriously, does the company that owns this property do any marketing whatsoever? Or do they limit their solicitation of businesses to a sign that says "For Lease".

Maybe they're just helping the corner get "blighted" status. Then they can get some tax money, tear everything down, and get that K-Mart they originally wanted.

Fuckers.