Point...Flip Top...Press Trigger

Last night I believe my liver decided to move out. While we parted on good terms, I can't help but think that its decision was based on the amount of abuse I inflicted on it. Liver, if you're reading this, I still love you. Call me.

It had all of the makings of a great party. A projector with an XBox 360 kicking out the Guitar Hero II jams in face-off mode. A PA system that could melt your face with the bitchin' riffs. Two fire pits burning the equivalent of a small forest. People who do in fact rock hard. And a comfortable couch for me to wake up on, and think

"Hmmm...this doesn't feel like my bed. Oh! Is that sunlight? I bet it's morning. That's awe---damn. Where are my keys? "

Sometime before the Maker's Mark(tm) drinking contest began though, I found myself sitting on hill behind my buddy's Deuce's apartment with 100 other people watching The Hat attempt to incapacitate The Bandanna.

The plan was simple. The Bandanna had purchased a high quality pepper spray for his girl to use for self defense. However, he wasn't sure if it was actually effective. Now, The Bandanna is a former Marine and has had that super special training that required him to be tear gassed for the amusement of his superiors, so it seemed natural that he do this for the amusement of his friends. So my friend F-Stop set up some lights in the field behind the party and she got out her video camera while a visiting photographer prepared his own rig.

We watched as lights were turned on and as The Hat did a couple of practice aims. The Bandanna steeled himself for the attack. A water gun lie on the ground next to him. He was to charge The Hat as if he meant to do serious bodily harm. The Hat would fire the spray from ten feet away into The Bandanna's face. Then, The Bandanna would try to pick up the water gun and shoot The Hat. If he was unable to do so, the pepper spray was a success.

Lights. Camera. Action.

The Bandanna took his first few steps. The crowd waited for the shot and The Hat didn't disappoint. He flipped the top and engaged the trigger. Instead of spray, a glob of gel shot into The Bandanna's face. It was as if a face hugger had just jumped from a nearby egg and was trying to get down his throat.

The first few seconds, it was as if nothing happened. The Bandanna stood there, slime faced, and stated, "It's kind of a slow burn."

We looked on, shocked that the spray had no effect. The Bandanna shook his head a little. Then he opened his eyes to finish the scenario.

Then he crumbled to the ground in pain.

He searched frantically for the cooler of ice water that was on hand to flush his eyes and face. The team of ZS members standing by stepped in and stripped his shirt and head covering from him. Then milk was brought to pour over his head.

It was the closest thing to live porn I've seen in the last month.

The Bandanna sat in the middle of the field, a mess of mucus, milk, and water. F-Stop was there the whole time with her camera taping away, unafraid of the pepper smell coming from her subject. Deuce, K-Bar, and a few others escorted The Bandanna inside to the shower to strip and clean him. An hour later, he emerged with an even larger sac than he had before the night began.

It was decided that the pepper spray does work, however, The Bandanna could still have fired a few rounds at The Hat before the crippling pain kicked in. So, that's something to remember for those who rely on the device for self defense.

Alright...fine...The Jena Six

It is with sincere regret that I inform you of my severe apathy regarding the plight of the Jena Six or the Jena Three...or the Jena One.

Um...let's just say those Jena kids.

Everything I read about says the same facts over and over.

• Some white kids hung some nooses from a tree. No charges were pressed.
• Some black kids tried to get into a party. A fight broke out. A single white guy was charged with a minor crime.
• Some white kids pulled a gun on some black kids at a store. A black kid took the gun. The black kid was charged with stealing a firearm. No other charges were pressed.
• Sometime during all of this a prosecutor told all of the kids (though he may have been staring down the black kids) that he could make them disappear is they don't cut this shit out.
• Some black kids walked up on a white kid and beat the fuck out of him. He passed out. They kept beating him. The black kids are arrested and charged with attempted murder. One of them is charged as an adult.

Having graduated from a public school system that served racism up as an entree in the cafeteria each day (alongside the cardboard pizza...yum), none of the events leading up to and including the final beating are really surprising. What's surprising is the ineptitude of school officials in defusing this situation before it culminated in the final beating.

There's no doubt that the law has been unevenly applied here. White kids got away with shit. The jury selection appears to have been a joke. The black kids seem to have been dealt with harshly. Travesties of justice all around.

But in the end...Six kids beat the shit out of one kid.

They stood for us. Let's stand for them.

My buddy FootFoot said it best. Instead of "freeing" the Jena Six, how about we round up the white kids and prosecute them too. Then I could support your movement Mr. Sharpton. But as it stands, I don't think so. Equal justice shouldn't mean letting six kids get away with beating the shit out of one kid. Equal justice should mean finding the asshole who pulled a gun and prosecuting him. Equal justice should mean finding all of the kids involved in all of the fights and making sure they pay for their actions.

Freeing the Jena Six (or charging the Jena One as a minor instead of as an adult) seems like the reverse of what should be going on.

Unless you're saying that sometimes a mother fucker just needs a good beat down. That's so punk rock that I may be able to support you.

Free Jenna Sex!

I just want to commend Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton for joining in the fight to make sure that Americans have equal opportunity to have free sex with Jenna Jameson. Having seen many of her movies and watched many scenes of her amazing abilities to pleasure her partner of the moment, I think that it is imperative that the movement for Free Jenna Sex be recognized as a critical moment in American history.

The Free Jenna Sex movement must be held up as a beacon of hope in this world. After all, she stood, knelt down, lied back, got on her hands and knees, and hung suspended in mid air for us It's time we did the same for her.

Free Jenna Sex!

(Edit...It was hard to decide which way to go with this one, but I couldn't think of two paragraphs to write about Free The Babylon 5.)

Give Blood

I'd like to thank...

You know what I hate? Okay...other than "everything and everyone." Awards shows.

They're dull, incredibly long, and full of people I don't really like getting awards for crap I didn't find all that entertaining and then droning on and on about their political views before they thank everyone from their hairdresser, to their agent, to their mama. Before that, we get an hour of the red carpet interviews where celebrities whore it up for the media and throngs of drooling fans hoping for a glance, a handshake, or a wardrobe malfunction.

There are moments of these shows that make them bearable though. For instance, at a music award show where a rapper accepts an award for his hit single "Bitch I'll Fucking Kill You And Fuck Your Corpse While I Smoke Dis Here Blunt" and in his acceptance speech he thanks Jesus for giving him the talent to get out of the hood.

I always picture Jesus, sitting on his magic cloud somewhere with a 52 inch plasma showing him the speech. He's got a spliff in one hand and a forty between his legs. When the rapper gives him a shout out, Jesus taps his chest and shouts out "Yeaaaaaah Boyyyyeeee" (Jesus is old school). The he take the 40 to the head and pulls a hit of the J.

Those moments are great.

Kathy Griffin may have given me something new to look for. It seems that during her acceptance speech for the prerecorded Emmy's the other day, she said the following:

"a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to
know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."

Okay...so she was probably being needlessly offensive. Without seeing the actual show and the remarks, I can't say. Maybe everyone before her thanked the lord for their reward. Maybe some producer for MTV's reality show "I Fucked My Best Friend's Mom" just thanked God for watching out for her and Griffin had just had enough. More than likely, she just knew the remark would get her some publicity and she's now planning a new one hour special for HBO thanks to the new attention. Whatever the case, I'm still laughing.

Because I picture Jesus, standing on a cloud somewhere with curlers in his hair and looking over a wardrobe rack trying to decide what he's going to wear to his lunch date with Jerry Falwell. Somewhere behind him, the show is playing on TV and he's just kind of listening. Then when Griffin makes her statement, he responds, "That's the fucking truth."

Kathy Griffin realizes that if there were a Jesus, he probably wouldn't moonlight as a television producer, a record mogul, or talent scout for Playboy magazine.

Here's an interesting aside though. Right wing blogs have been upset over the Washington Post's refusal to run a set of Opus comics that poke a bit of fun at Islam (and they're totally correct to be upset as WaPo's refusal to run the comics is total bullshit). Will they be just as upset at the decision to edit out Griffin's remarks about their savior?

Will those who herald the cultural sensitivity of institutions that bend over backwards to not risk upsetting Muslims applaud this decision to respect the sensitivity of Xtians?

I guess we'll see.

See a Play...

All Shows start at 8 p.m.

International Playwright?

or...Fuck the Ladue News


I got a pretty good surprise this morning thanks to the folks at Short and Sweet - Melbourne.

A couple of months ago, I was frantically trying to finish a new ten minute play to meet the deadline for submissions. I was also trying to work on a seminar with the folks of Zombie Squad that would catapult us to world domination. I was also trying to do a couple of things professionally all while being generally pissed off at the world (imagine that).

Oh...and there was drinking.

Suffice it to say, I missed the deadline for the new play. But, I guess my entry into Singapore's Short and Sweet festival counted for all Short and Sweet Festivals. So, this morning when I opened my email, I was pleased to learn that Dragon's Lair has made the short list of plays in consideration for the festival. It's not actually chosen for performance yet, but it's part of a group of 196 shortlisted plays out of around 1,400 if you believe their website. That list must now be pared down to 60 plays that will be shown (30 main performance, 30 wildcards).

Even if it doesn't go any further, that's still pretty cool.

Edit: I did not make the cut for the final sixty. I've since given up being a playwright and now fix bicycles in exchange for sex.

Okay...you're a 9/12. That's great. I'm 7/4.

or

"Dick."

I'm going to be honest, I hate 9/11 in this country.

It should be a day for contemplation. People should be able to put aside their politics for at least one day and say "You sir/madame...Today you're not a pinko fag facist neocon pig moonbat feminazi pollyana bitch troofer. Today, you're my neighbor. Congratulations on not being dead." It should be a lot of things that involve inner peace and higher brain functioning.

It's not though. Instead it's a chance for the moonbat left to drone on and on about conspiracies and impeachment. It's a chance for the wingnut right to drone on and on about traitors who dare to dissent and the importance of giving our government the power to protect us. It's a chance to remember which brown people we're allowed to hate. It's a chance use an emotional event that every American can recall every detail of (and if we start forgetting, some politician will bring it up as a justification for whatever boneheaded policy they can't seem to get any support for any other way) and attach it to whatever agenda needs promoting.

It's a Sean Hannity Freedom Concert held in New Jersey.

It's a conspiracy theorist march across Ground Zero.

I hate it. It's annoying. It's depressing. It pisses me off beyond belief.

So, if you spoke with me or emailed with me yesterday and I seemed antagonistic about this national nonholiday, know that it wasn't because I don't appreciate the historical/emotional significance of the day. It's because I am tired of the political operatives in this country building support for their agendas on the backs of dead Americans.

Which brings me to today's rant...

The latest bullshit piece of nonthinking to come out of the terror fetishists is brilliant. It follows like this. Americans can be neatly divided (of course...for any of these ideas to catch, there must be a dichotomy) into two categories 9/10's and 9/12's. The two categories are named after the date that reflects the mindset of the individual being described.

For example:

Do you believe that the government's power to listen to private phone calls should have enough restrictions to guarantee that innocent people are not being subject to survellance? Do you still believe that those restrictions should be in place even though the government only wants them loosened so it can more easily intercept communication from terrorists? Should those restrictions be in place even if the government assures you that it's only looking for terrorists and is unconcerned with the conversation it might hear between you and your attorney/stockbroker/mistress/bookie?

If you answer, "Yes, those restrictions should be place. They may not hear anything incriminating while listening to me on the phone, but that doesn't mean I trust them with whatever information they do collect,"- You sir/madame, are a 9/10. You are one of those naive people that believe individual privacy and liberty comes before the promise of security.

If you answer, "The government should be able to listen to whatever it needs to. After all, it's not like they'll be listening to everyone's call. They'll just be listening to calls from people who fit certain profiles, are suspected of wrongdoing that can't be proven enough to justify a legitmate warrant, or other people who aren't me. Besides, if you have nothing to hide, why are you worried? Are you a terrorist? Wait here a minute while I call homelan...er...my mom,"- You are a 9/12. You are one of those people who will save America not only from the external threat of terror, but from the weak minded, soft headed liberals betraying our country here at home.

Let's try another one...

Do you believe that it's possible your government has made certain mistakes and that a healthy democracy requires that you voice your discontent over those mistakes?

If you say "Yes." then you are a 9/10. You are one of those people who believe that every serviceman who's ever died defending our country did so with the intent of preserving the principals of the constitution. A constitution that gives you things like "rights" and "freedom". You believe that maybe that document was the product of a group of men who didn't trust their government to ever do anything right and maybe that notion wasn't so far fetched.

If you say "No." then you are a 9/12. You are a true patriot. You recognize that the constitution is just a 200 year old piece of paper and holding tight to every word of that document is silly. First of all, our founders would never have imagined the world we live in (the same argument used by gun grabbers and fundamentalist Christians), because if they did, they wouldn't expect us to cling to the bill of rights at the risk of safety. Second, the terrorists don't care about our freedom, so the best way to fight them is to willingly give up our freedom (The "fuck a bunch of Habeus Corpus" argument). Thirdly, it's not like the government is curtailing the rights of middle American white people. There's not such thing as a slippery slope. That's why it's a rhetorical fallacy.

You get the picture. If you love America, you'd better be a 9/12, because 9/10's are nothing but jihadist enablers.

Who thinks this bullshit up? Seriously, is there a room somewhere that houses a table full of dipshit writers who say "They'll never buy this one" and are surprised when their bumper sticker becomes the new rally cry for millions of morons throughout the nation?

Well, since I guess I need a designation...I am a 7/4. I believe that governments are not to be trusted to keep you safe. They are not to be trusted to use power properly. They are not to be trusted to treat you fairly. The signers of our constitution believed this. That's why we're allowed to print what we want, believe what we want, own guns, keep our own counsel, keep troops out of our homes, and every other thing we can do that's protected by the constitution. Governments are not to be trusted.

Ronald Regan knew it too. Some folks need to be reminded of that.

I believe the government that governs best stays the fuck out of my business and I'll accept the risks that come along with that decision. Is it harder for you to listen to jihadists because I file a lawsuit stopping you from listening to me? Tough shit. Learn to do your fucking job better. Does my criticism of your bonehead policies make you seem weak to our enemies? Fuck off. Stop doing dipshit things and they'll see that you're stronger than they thought.

It is possible for our country to be secure without implementing a police state. Everyday we're learning that the 9/11 terrorists could have been stopped, not by increasing government authority but instead by expecting an institution that steals 30% of my income to simply do it's fucking job.

Here...let me say that without profanity for a second (mostly because my grandmother would like me to cuss less).

The fact 9/11 happened was not due to a lack of power on the part of our government. It was due to a lack of competency. Without changing any governmental powers, stepping up the ability to harass the populace, or engaging in thuggery of any kind, our government had indicators going all the way back to the Clinton administration that Al Queda was a threat to be dealt with. By saying, "we need to increase the government's power to respond" the powers in place are taking the blame off of themselves for their incompetency and placing the blame on those who have prevented them from having carte blanche all along. They're blaming us.

Fuck that.

I'm a 7/4.

Most true patriots are.

Never forget.

Today

Before I get off on a rant this year, I do want to take a moment of peace. Today marks six years since the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil. If you lost someone in the events of 9/11/2001, you have my sympathy.

And now...I rant.

Michelle Malkin has her little "remember and resist" post up today. In it she talks about the emotion she felt on 9/11 and the worry she had for her children growing up in a world of terror. She doesn't say anything you don't expect in her post. It's your typical "Go America! Fuck Islam!" post. I'm not against that really. I like America plenty. After all, I keep my stuff here. I also don't like any religion. So if you want to say "Fuck Islam," I'm cool with that. I just wish you'd follow up with "Fuck any ideology that involves a magic facist in the sky who's more concerned with who I'm having sex with than making sure enough wheat grows to feed a third world country."

That's just me though.

For most of Malkin's post, I'm not really that angry. But then I get to this:

" Not every American wears a military uniform. But every American has a
role to play in protecting our homeland–not just from Muslim terrorists, but
from their financiers, their public relations machine, their sharia-pimping
activists, the anti-war goons, the civil liberties absolutists, and the academic
apologists for our enemies"

Remember kids, not only are the terrorists your enemies, but anyone who questions your government's policies, thinks that your government should stay out of your life, or encourages you to understand the mind of your enemy, needs to be defended against as well. These people may as well fly another plane into the Sears Tower. They're no better than the Islamofundafacists who want to eat your baby and rape your grandmother. Never forget.

Fuck you Michelle.

Here's another theory, and recognize that this is from a Libertarian who can't stand the sheepish mentality that public demonstrates daily as they allow the government to further encroach on our civil liberties. Every American not only has a role to play in protecting their homeland from terrorists, but they have a role to play in protecting their homeland from the overreaching arms of a government that feels "if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about." Further, they have a duty to protect their homeland from dipshit mouthpieces of the Republican party who parrot that ideology blindly out of fear.

You know, people like Michelle Malkin. "Civil Liberties Absolutists" are the people who make sure that you can still say what you want, own a gun, and protect your life and property from government intrusion. If it were up to sheep like Malkin, the government would be able to do whatever it wants in the name of protecting you against terrorists. And any denial of that fact is wiped away by her comment above.

Her sentiments are shared across the right hemisphere of the blogosphere.

Madeline L'Engle 1918 - 2007

""There are three things that are important: First, if you want to write, you need to keep an honest, unpublishable journal that nobody reads, nobody but you. Where you just put down what you think about life, what you think about things, what you think is fair and what you think is unfair. And second, you need to read. You can’t be a writer if you’re not a reader. It’s the great writers who teach us how to write. The third thing is to write. Just write a little bit every day. Even if it’s for only half an hour — write, write, write."

http://www.amazon.com/gp/blog/post/PLNK32OO57AHN0M9F

Movies Lie

I've been pretty busy lately, what with the rush to prepare Zombie Squad for greatness and the resumption of classes this week (even though they actually started last week), so I haven't had a lot of time to write up something brilliant. However, as I sat and do homework/write disaster preparedness seminars, HBO played a stream of bad movies into my living room as part of my "I need background noise" illness. As this stream of crap flew by, I couldn't help but notice the false expectations Hollywood has given us, and the amount of lies a typical movie tells.

After seeing three versions of a particular story, I feel that it's my job to point out one basic truth of life that Hollywood seems to have missed.

The Flakey-Hippy-Chick Never Saves The Type-A-Personality-Corporate-Tie-Monkey

Yes. You love breakfast at Tiffany's. I don't blame you, it's a great movie. You also love every romantic comedy where the free spirited hippy chick comes into the life of the tight-assed stock broker/lawyer/student/scientist/nerd and turns his life upside down. In doing show, she shows him that life is more than what he's used to and he changes his boring tight-assed ways. I mean, who doesn't love Dharma and Greg.

This does not happen. Ever. In real life, the tight-assed corporate tie monkey originally finds the sexually free hippy chick intriguing and a breath of fresh air. Then he discovers that sex with her is amazing. So he's happy for awhile. But, the first time she bounces one of his checks, forgets to set the alarm system on his condo, or some other lame-assed free spirited hippy chick thing - he's out the door faster than she can tell him that the rhythm method might not have actually worked for their birth control needs. The other scenario? He's such a tool and so repressed emotionally that he's nowhere near as good in the sack as she is. Eventually, her hands will get tired of making up for his shortcomings and she'll latch on to the guy bagging her groceries at Trader Joe's.

We all know that flakey-hippy-chick is better off with authoritative-father-figure-guy-seeking-open-relationship and that type-a-personality-corporate-tie-monkey is better of with submissive fifties housewife lady.

I now call a moratorium on this plot.

DragonCon!

or...The Frustration That Arises From Expecting 40,000 Socially Retarded People To Practice Acceptable Elevator Etiquette

So this past week, I learned what a moderate sized science fiction convention is like. Having only been to small cons that mainly focused on role-playing, I was really looking forward to DragonCon. It promised to be a strange and wonderful experience that would give me months of material. Not to mention that we were finally performing the Zombie Squad Disaster Awareness seminar in an environment where the audience was made up entirely of strangers. So, I was pretty excited to go.

The spousal unit, I, and a couple of friends rolled out of St. Louis around 10:30 or 11:00 after a breakfast that would put anyone into a coma (especially someone who stayed up all night making sure he wasn't forgetting to pack or prepare anything). Luckily, I derived extra energy from the extra strong Chris's Pancake House bloody mary and the many opportunities for breakfast sarcasm that arose from spotting the "mayor" of St. Louis leaving the restaurant (while our server couldn't comment on the mayor's tipping habits, his father is apparently famous for being generous). The alcohol, tomato juice, protein, and sarcasm fueled me up for the looming 9 hour drive.

After a nice drive that involved bad music, good music, a truck stop massage, a new high score on house of the dead, and a flask of scotch, we arrived in Atlanta in time to eat a greasy dinner at the Varsity Diner and crash out. We woke up early Friday morning, checked into the convention hotel, and quickly realized how overcrowded the convention actually was. It turns out that DragonCon planners had expected 20,000 attendees and were surprised when they sold 40,000 memberships.

Now, I'm a pretty capitalistic guy. I believe that if you can make some money you should. If people are buying your product, you should keep selling it to them. All that stuff is great. However, if you're dealing with a finite space and you're noticing that you are doubling the amount of people you plan on having occupy that space, you must do one of two things. You must either STOP SELLING OPPORTUNITIES TO BE IN THAT SPACE, or add more space. The con didn't seem investigate either of these options. This made navigating common areas, getting from the lobby to your room on the 19th floor, and a number of other activities more frustrating than they needed to be. In fact, there were a few times where I didn't engage in certain con activities (panels, parties, whathaveyou) simply because I knew it would be frustrating to do so. So, the overcrowding is my chief complaint.

However, there were some great opportunities to people watch and the attendees at DragonCon seemed to put a lot more effort into their costumes than at other conventions. Of course there was still the contingent of females who felt that simply putting on a set of underwear two sizes too small qualified as a costume, but there were many more costumes that showed the creativity and hard work of the people sporting them. Just the chance to see them made the trip worth it.

I attended several panels over the course of the convention. A few were on the "Writers'" track of programming. Rather than actually consisting of practical advice, they tended to turn into long drawn out discussions of the the moderator's road to success. That's annoying for people who show up to learn "Here's some good ways to deal with this problem," rather than "Here's how I got where I am." One panel on politics in science fiction (that is, incorporating politics into science fiction stories) actually left the subject of science fiction entirely behind and became a lecture on one author's views of the American political system and global politics.

However, at DragonCon you could have met and watched hilarity from the people who bring you Adult Swim. You could have seen Spike and Drusilla reunited as Juliet Landau and James Marsters cohost a panel discussion. You could have seen a Star Trek cas reunion with Gates McFadden, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, and Jonathon Frakes. Or...as the spouse did...you could have stalked Eric Estrada until you got a picture of him on your own without having to pay him for posing with you.

Sorry Eric.

There were also tons of concerts, movies, and other events to steal your time. For a full price of $85 (when purchased at the last minute), DragonCon was a great bargain, and I'm sorry to say, much more worth the money than St. Louis's own Archon. Hopefully with this year's NASFIC behind them, Archon may see some type of growth that allows for an improvement in this area.

The Zombie Squad panel went remarkably well. It consisted of a one hour seminar and a short panel discussion in the second hour. Using the zombie apocalypse as a metaphor for other disasters seemed to work well and the audience really absorbed the message about the importance of being prepared. It was probably the best seminar to date and I can't wait to try it out in another town.

This year I did not present or perform as I did in years past. Instead, I pretty much appointed myself to organize everything. One of the interesting side effects of that decision was that I got to sit back and watch how the presentation gelled without worrying about memorizing my own speech. I'm not sure if I was more help or hindrance, but since none of my friends punched me and the presentation went so well, I'm going to give myself a slight kudo.

Everyone presenting did a great job though. They worked incredibly hard on preparing for the con and you really could tell. They even handled a few technical failures in stride and without worry. If you saw the panel, then you know what I mean. These guys were great.

I wish I could comment on the party situation, but as I stated earlier, the overcrowded nature of the con made getting to those parties more of a hassle than it was worth. So, I spent a lot of time in the late evening writing. Which is good since one project I was working on had a deadline to miss.



And that's pretty much DragonCon. It was a good time though I can think of quite a few things I'll do differently next year - starting with not staying in the actual convention hotels. If Zombie Squad is asked back to present and we can work on a few logistical issues (and the cool people who organized the Apocalypse Rising track that featured ZS seem to really want us back), we'll rock even harder.

Oh...one last kudo. Who ever decided that glass elevators and female anime costumes belong together, you deserve a beer.

Good times...