Ask ZK...The Advice Column THE MAN Will Never Let You Read

Man if I had an advice column...I'd get more bombs mailed to me than a Danish cartoonist.

Take the following imaginary letters for example:

Dear ZK,

I recently graduated from college. I have no idea what to do now. Can you help me?

Signed,
Alumni

Dear Alumni,

You're pretty much fucked. I know they told you that the world was your oyster. I bet some high profile asshole in a suit spoke at your commencement and told you that you were going to be a future leader or something similar. Don't believe that shit.

How many "leaders" do you think there are in the world?

What's your degree in? Business? If so, do you think you'll be a "leader" in the business world? The Fortune 500 consists of the 500 most respected and best performing companies in the U.S. How many leaders do they have? Well, if we just focus on CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO positions, there are about 2000 leadership positions in those companies. Those companies have tens of thousands of employees. The odds of you getting one of these positions randomly are statistically against you. The odds of you getting one on merit, are statistically insignificant. The odds of you getting one of these if you're mom didn't fuck the majority shareholder are statistically nonexistant.

Now, Alumni, I know you're thinking about some guy you know who made good on his dream to be the leader of some great company. He's an anamoly, not the rule. In fact, he's relational proximity to you makes the liklihood of you achieving the same thing even more remote. You're fucked Alumni.

This applies to all fields. How many "writers" do you think there are? Now how many people are really driving the art to new heights? How many are just writing crap that sells so they can put food on the table? How many are working as accountants while responding to imaginary letters on their blogs? You're fucked.

My advice? In a few years you'll be able to include your student loans in a bankruptcy settlement. Apply for all sixty months of forebearance now and take advantage of bankruptcy when the time comes. Then, go out, buy a bottle of tequila and drink yourself silly. In the mean time, get a job at Starbucks. This will let you stand around all day and talk about philosophy while not making enough money to be expected to pay the government back for your education.

Good Luck sir.

ZK


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Dear ZK,

One time in high school, I got into a fight and I totally kicked this guy's ass. First I got him in a headlock and then I punched him in the SNIPPED BY EDITOR

... so I totally know I can kick his ass.

Signed
Ready to Throw Down


Dear Ready,

I think it's time that you accept something about yourself. You're one of those assholes who constantly talk about how you can kick someone's ass. You purposely create awkward situations that inflame people's emotions and make them want to throw a punch at you. Then you act all righteous about the fact that you couldn't avoid a fight. You talk excessively loud about people, hoping they call you on it. You stand inappropriately close to people, hoping to provoke them. Then you give some bullshit line about just wanting to be left alone.

That's okay. The world needs people like you. My advice to you is to consider a career in bar room bouncing, the RIAA, or accountancy. All of these options will allow you to insert yourself into already tense situations and may create the opportunity for violence that you so crave.

Good Luck
ZK

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Dear ZK,

Yo dawg...what up G? Why come you don't holla at y'boy dawg? Sheeeit. I be out here workin' deze corners tryin' to get my shit out. If you give me a shout, my peeps be gettin happy and they drop that scrilla like it's hot playa'.

Holla,
Hood Train


Dear Hood Train,

What the fuck are you trying to say?

First off, you're white. Secondly, twenty black kids are about to kick your ass for talking like that. See, they all scored very well on the verbals on their SATs and you're making them look bad by walking around speaking your pidgeon hoodglish and wearing that Chuck D. tshirt.

The good news is, they'll teach you how to talk after they kick your ass.

The English Language Ain't Nuthin to Fuck With,
ZK

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Dear ZK,

What's up with all these banks that make me press 1 for English? That's bullshit man. I shouldn't have to press 1 for English. This is America.

Protect the Culture!

Signed,
Savage Lover

Dear SL,

This is the dumbest complaint I've ever heard. People are dying all over the world right now and you're worried about having to press 1 for English.

For now on...you have to press pi for English if you want to talk to me.

Adios,
ZK
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Feel free to send me your questions...we'll see if I can help.